fate has it let, sometimes greed take us all yet we must learn to let it go.

we learn, we'll falter.

we pray and have faith.
so bless us all.

parents feel insecure as well. and it pains me the fact that i don't sympathise them but instead occasionally feel a sense of trimph.

i hate it when they seem so sure about themselves sometimes never ever admitting that they are wrong. yet they show it in different ways than one in an abstract manner that some may have to look at it twice before notcing it. i guess is the understanding of between mother and child or father and child, the relationships that is build around one to understand the other.

parents (like mine) can be so infuriating almost every day of our lives. they are the endless tell tales of our stories that we struggle to keep up with. it is basically a hate love relationship that never end. not until the day we regret something we knew we shouldn't have said.

sometimes our lives are too peaceful that we feel that we must aggrivate something. and who should we do it to but to the people we claim (and we know) should love?

it doesn't work all ways but i guess we could say is the basic funtional family.

i guess it's cause i and her experience the same thing and lack of something there off that we get together along so well. we aren't realy good at anything though truth to be told i always thought she was. but i guess i was wrong.

the fact that we were never really good in that particular area makes us look small and suffer in the unspoken tension and perssure that continuously surround us. the common lack of interst that bring us together so well.

it's hard really, to cope with an unnerving team of atheletes who seems to be a never ending of excellence. the look and thought of being look down upon never on the same level is demoralizing and threatening to ones moral aspect. it's sad really, cause there are many others who are not as strong as us to continue in life, or perhaps not so lucky to find friends to talk to about thier silent anger and retreat into thier little shell.

to be shunned and to never be outstanding, to always look up and never look down. these are the times where we take the frightful fall of live cause we never end up that lucky.

it hit me that the fact this world is so big with so many people with different personalities.

we meet so many people each day there are so different and yet some are so similar. we tend to hate people who are similar to us-or so it just seem.

i realize to be able to find a friend to look out for you, to give you and to give them trust is really hard to find.

we have characters who are blunt and carefree;not really caring about what the world thinks about them and yet we have personalities who are extremely opposite naming being sensitive thinking about what other people thinks all the time-like me.

we have people who are full of sportsmanship and yet we have the selfish ones who wants everything every glory and fame belonging to them.

it's so hard to suit everybody personalities despite wanting so.

sometimes i feel repressed, cause i know people out there deserve what i should deserve, sometimes even more. yet i can't be help to be proud on what i have.

is it not right?
or is it just something that i should compress into my deepest heart and shrug it off my shoulders?

i can't write anymore.

I have come to a realization that when we start opening up to someone we actually will begin to feel better. it's like a wall that you have built around yourself starts to break down into smaller pieces and the other party starts to open up to you too. it's like a fresh start of wind between your friendship and it seems sometimes that it can only get better from there.

and then there's another thing. i realize that once you start to be ready to open up there seems to be no more emotional pain within you that you struggle and suffer with each day. your whole mental image of the world, yourself and finally your heart seems to be lighter and your life seems to be more enjoyalbe. feelings are that are meant to be a secret to you can't seem to depict them in words that are abstract.

of course, the first initial step of opening up is the hardest. cause we're afraid of taking the first step. cause we're afraid that someone may judgemental and worse tell and spill our secrets to the whole world. afterall, we learn so many times in the most cruel ways of betrayal.
but i guess it takes time to know and to learn about one another. until then we still must becareful, cause that's how this world works:

so unnaturally twisted.

the illusionist:
nothing is what it seems

sometimes i forget the countless things i thought myself.

i look around and sometimes all i see is people moving. this fast moving packed city with not many people actually taking time off to take a stroll or just enjoying and relaxing into the morning breeze.

all we forced to do is just worry. i guess that's why everytime there's a holiday, everyone tries to escape this enclosure. i remember when i was back in australia for a holiday all i did was sleeping, eating and fishing.

god that was life,
but i guess this is too.

sometimes i guess it's cause i'm so used to the fast paced city life that i actually get bored when time starts to slow down. when two weeks seem like a month instead of a month seem like a day. time moves slower despite the fact the hour differences.

but it's all these hectic lives that seems to spice up my life a little.

it's so hard to be perfect, but i still strive to be.